Sunday, December 30, 2012

I can see the light....

I got a word today, a word concerning this past year and the years to come. A word of confirmation, a word of warning, a word of hope. It was both prophetic and explanatory. It was exactly what I needed and Jacob received it too at the same time. 

The first part explained what we've been through...the wilderness

2012-the year of challenge, attack, tearing down, feeling defeated....
This past year has been the worst! At one point a month ago Jacob said that he just needed SOMETHING to go right. It was a lot if little things-just constant attack and of course, our adoption. I haven't written much about the details of what has taken place over the last couple months. Mostly to protect the process. It's a lot to explain and as soon as I'm able I will. I can say there have been a lot of ups and downs. One day we are making progress and the next it's a dead end and we are told they can never be adopted. I know only those who have adopted can fully understand the love you can have for a child you've never met. I can tell you this, every time we hit a dead end it was like watching one of our children die. We suffered  their deaths over and over again. I have never grieved the way we did this year and I never want to see Jacob hurt that way again. 
But it wasn't just us. The whole world has been mourning. This was a year of great suffering and great attack for many. I began to feel the weight at the beginning of December, the urgency to pray and fast, knowing that the enemy was going to finish this year out with all he had. Nothing could have prepared me for all that happened across the world this month. 
I looked at Jacob during worship this morning with hope when it hit me-"it's over, this year is finally ending!"

But now, this is what the  Lord  says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.    When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:1, 2 NIV)

2013-the year of discipline, progress, building up, growth, hope...
This is a new beginning. This is the place we begin to rebuild. We make small changes in our lives. We pray for big changes in the world. Jacob and I actually kept our resolutions last year. This year we are continuing those and adding a few new ones. This is the year to break chains-stop those bad habits, characteristics. This is the year to become more organized, to work harder, to dig deeper to make all of our "I wish I were more..."'s into part of who we are-every day. 
We know this is going to be a year of waiting. The kids (aside from a miracle) will not be coming home this year. But we will press on and prepare for their arrival.
Scott preached a great word today. A couple scriptures he shared that fell in line with what the Spirit was teaching me.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:12-14 NIV)

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.    See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18, 19 NIV)

2014-the year of fulfillment, blessing, celebration, victory

I don't know what all God has in store but those are the words He used. I do know that our babies should be sleeping in their warm cozy beds in OUR home by March of 2014 according to the timeline we've been given.

This year, while difficult has also been a great year. 
In 2012 the Father gave me His heart for orphans. Some days I wish I could go back to living ignorantly. Sometimes knowing the conditions they are living in is more  than I can bare. But nothing compares to knowing His heart, to feeling what He feels, to grasping how wide, how long, how high, how deep is His love for these children! 
In 2012 I became a mother of 6. I may be yet to hold them, but in my heart they are mine and I long for the day I will kiss their sweet faces every morning and tuck them into bed at night.
2012 has been full of miracles. God has placed just the right people in just the right moments to direct and guide us in this journey. He is truly writing Captain and Sister's redemption story for their good and His glory. 
In 2012 I felt Gods comfort, His guidance and learned more than ever that He is in control and my job is to surrender. To quote a sweet and wise friend

" God is the God of the impossible and His ways are always right.  I am learning (slowly and painfully and fitfully) to live a surrendered life – surrendering the moments as they come in confidence that surrendered moments equal a surrendered life which pleases God and accomplishes all that He gives me to do.  When I feel myself anxious, stressed and striving, I know I am not surrendered.  You are in the “deep end of the pool” for surrendering, but it really is the only way to actually do anything."

Friday, December 14, 2012

When the unthinkable happens...

When the unthinkable happens...

We are shocked

 We come together as families, communities...

We grieve

We fight for changes

Our eyes are opened to the evil of this world

In between tragedies we live in an ignorant bliss...but evil does not sleep

Heinous crimes against children reach beyond mass shootings

They happen everyday


In the darkest places

The children are suffering



And nobody is shocked

No communities coming together to do something

Too few grieving

Too few fighting for change

We close our eyes to the evil in this world

We choose to live in ignorant bliss

They don't get that choice

Honor a life lost by saving another


"All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing"
-Edmond Burke

"So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. "(James 4:17 ESV)

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Let's Play the GIVEAWAY Game!!!

I want to see Beatrice's fund over $2000 before December. So here is what I will do if it reads $2000 on December 1.

If it reads at or above:

$750-I will give away this Scentsy warmer plus 3 bars just in time for your Christmas countdown!

$1000-I'll give away this Miracle skincare set that retails for $90! Perfect gift for any lady on your list (or a treat for yourself.)

 $1500- Choose from ant Beach Body workout program-Body Combat, P90X, Insanity, Les Mills Pump....up to $165.85 value!

$2000-A $200 Amazon gift card!!! Get your Christmas shopping done without breaking the bank

Here's how you can play!

*Share this blogpost on your Facebook page-1 entry (only once every 10 days)

*Share Beatrice in your personal blog (including this link) for 1 entry (limit 1)

*Add 10 friends (that are not in group already) to the Miles for Beatrice facebook group  for 1 entry (limit 2)

*Get 1 entry for every $10 you donate to her fund! (no limit) This is so easy and tax deductible. PLUS if you make a donation of $35 or more RR will send you a lovely Christmas ornament!
This includes your pledges for Miles for Beatrice IF you go ahead and make your donation before December 1. Don't worry, I'll get all 150 in!

*Get 1 entry for each order of tamales. Next order on November 17.

* 3 entries for purchasing a Miracle set from Hannah Jones who is donating all profits to Sweet Miss B!

*1 entry for playing in our charity poker tournament

*3 additional entries for the winner of the tournament!

Please send me an email ( or fb message each time you donate or share so I can keep a fair total. Save receipt for online donation for proof if you are the winner. If you have already donated or purchased tamales, don't worry. I got your entry already.

Friday, October 26, 2012

A Full Kind of Empty

Who knew a heart could feel so empty and yet so full! The Christmas presents I ordered Captain and Sister came yesterday. I knew all along they wouldn't be here by Christmas but they were already part of our family, and I knew they would at least be home by summer and it just felt...right. I made the mistake of taking Captain's out of the box. It's his. He may have never touched it but in my heart I was holding something that belonged to him. I can't imagine how silly it sounds to everyone else. Even I can't understand how I can feel so much heartache over someone I've never met. But I do.

How do you fall in love with a photo? How can one heart love so many?

I remember when Isaiah was a baby and I knew I could never love another child the way I loved him. I actually felt incredible guilt throughout my pregnancy with Melo. I just knew it was impossible to divide that love. And then I saw her. She was fat and wrinkley and red. She had black hair and eyes and looked nothing like me...but she was mine and suddenly I got it. My love was not divided. It was multiplied. With each addition to our family I have been amazed with the ability to love so much! I hear it everywhere I go. "Are those ALL yours? Bless your heart!" I feel sorry for them. They don't understand just how blessed my heart is! Each child brings the blessing of more love to give and receive!

I spend a lot of time searching the orphan listings. Deep down I hope to find Captain and Sister.  Every morning (and often during the night) I check and recheck.  Maybe it was all a bad dream? Maybe just a mistake that's been fixed?  They might be there this time....Even though I have been disappointed time and time again when they are not there I will not stop. I would rather live each day with hope, even at the risk of being let down then to live hopeless.

And I love so many more. Not the way I do Captain and Sister, but I do care deeply for so many children. He has again multiplied my love. We pray for them often and rejoice when one of them is chosen to be part of a family. Beatrice is one that I have loved for some time now. I can't tell you how it has blessed my aching heart to feel the body of Christ rising up to meet her needs. The fundraising is already coming along so well. Seeing hope brought to her situation brings both hope and healing to my heart. Thank you!

It was a hard decision to take on this project. I've been selfishly holding back our money and fundraising ideas for our adoption, but I really felt God lead us to be Christmas Warriors this year. He encouraged me to give 100% for Beatrice and trust Him to provide when it's our turn. Reluctantly I agreed and how blessed I have been already!

"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" (Acts 20:35 ESV)

"Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you." (Luke 6:38 ESV)

The "Miles for Beatrice" project is going well. I'm getting those miles in and thrilled to see so many pledging their support and even starting their own "Miles for Beatrice" projects! We still need more pledges. Please contact me by email ( or FaceBook to learn more and pledge. I am also taking orders for homemade tamales. They are $15 for a dozen and will be delivered fresh November 3. I can only offer a few dozen more before I have to stop taking orders(she can only make so many in a day) but I will do it again in a week or 2 if we have enough interest. Please email of FB me to place your order. For other ways you can help read my previous post.

One more easy thing you can do!
There is a company giving $50,000 to the charity with the most votes. It ends in just a few days but you can vote every day until then. Reece's Rainbow is in 2nd place. Please take 10 seconds to vote for RR! The money will be divided between these 10 sweet children who need homes.


Thank you all for your support. This sweet girl has no idea how many are praying for her rescue.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Take up the cause of the fatherless

Waiting, waiting, waiting...
That is literally all we can do. Everything is completely out of our hands and information is hard to come by.  I feel like I am learning to trust God more than I ever wanted to. I have no choice.
Emotionally it's still a rollercoaster. I feel pretty good most of the time, until I don't. Sunday at church I saw a girl wearing a Cookie Monster shirt just like my Captain in the only photo I have of him...just one
It hit me that that one picture is all I have. I know a lot more about Sister, but of him that's it. I don't know his birthday, how long he's been there, what he likes/dislikes....nothing
And worse than that he doesn't know me. He doesn't even know I exist. He has no idea how much he is loved, longed for, prayed for...

 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

I have finally concluded that its out of MY hands and there's nothing other than praying I can do for my kids right now, BUT there are so many others! So we have decided to participate in Reece's Rainbow's Christmas Angel Tree Warrior program. There are still many orphans in need of a Christmas Warrior if you feel led.

 "Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed.Take up the cause of the fatherless;
    plead the case of the widow." Isaiah 1:17
From November 1 to December 31 we will be raising funds and awareness for a special little girl. if you follow my FaceBook you've probably noticed that our family has loved her for a while and now we have a chance to help find her family and raise money towards her adoption.
Meet Beatrice
Imagine being in a crib all day with no one to love on and play with you
Imagine also not being able to see or smell
That is her life EVERY DAY
She desperately needs a family to love her, play with her and provide the medical care and surgeries to help her reach her full potential.
I need your help! Here is what YOU can do

2. Advocate on her behalf. Share this link. Spread the word. Help her family find her!
3.Give- there are so many ways you can do this!

I am trying a few things to raise funds and get her story out there.

1.We will be hosting a couple of poker tournaments. If that is some thing you would like to participate in please contact me by FB or email (

2. I am running Miles for Beatrice. I am asking for pledges (10, 25 or 50 cents per mile) for miles run between now and Christmas day (with a max of 150 miles). To pledge you can email me or post to this FB group where I will be updating as I log miles. Some people are pledging and running miles themselves too!

3. Hosting a 5k...maybe?
This is dependent on donations from sponsors. I need  the money to plan and hold the event first. So if you or someone you know have a business that would like to be a sponsor just email or call (817.988.3974)
It is a great chance to advertise and save a life at the same time.

4. Shop! I will be donating 100% of the profits from my Scentsy and BeachBody businesses for the rest of 2012

 5. Go on a date! I would love to have your kids come play while you go out. Call, FB or email to book a Friday or Saturday evening while there are still spaces available.

6. Pamper yourself! My sister Hannah Jones is a Mary Kay sales director and has donated 10 Miracle Skincare sets! They are $100 each and all of the money will go towards bringing sweet Baby Beatrice home! To purchase yours just email Hannah at


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

21 days

The day we received the heartbreaking news we committed 21 days to prayer and fasting. We were begging God for a miracle...for some sort of direction. You see the region our babies are in is difficult at best. We have no legal hold and no one to help us. We are flying blind and with no flying experience. So for 3 weeks I've pleaded and quite honestly we have really struggled. Adoption is such a faith walk regardless, but trying to adopt kids who are considered unavailable for adoption takes a little extra faith and a whole lot of hope.

So Monday was the 21st day and nothing had really changed and I was beginning to feel some doubts. At midnight (the very first moments of day 21) I was searching the internet...again. I have searched their names with various combinations of the city they are in, orphanage name...everything just desperately trying to find out anything about them. And though I'd tried a hundred times and found nothing, this time was different. I stumbled upon a blog of another mom who is an adoption advocate who had written a post on our Sister!!! It was an older post but it was my girl! So I immediately left a desperate comment with my contact info and went to bed praying she would help me. Of course I checked my email the second I woke and found a message with a phone number of a different mom (friend of the blogger). I called and was thrilled to find that she too had loved my Sister. They had actually tried to adopt her a year and a half ago before she was eligible (do to laws on age for international adoption) and had adopted another angel from her orphanage. They have been praying for her rescue ever since. She had more info on her than anyone I had spoken with so far and pictures and videos!!!! Can you imagine?!!!!! I have watched them a hundred times! My little girl playing and dancing. There is no doubt she's a Holt. She's got our moves. She looked like she was in the middle of a Holt family dance party. I even got some pictures of her as a toddler. I feel like I'm getting a glimpse of the years I've missed out on. It was a precious gift from a loving Father reminding me that He's got this.
My girl is the cutie on the left at the beginning in the red dress and white headscarf with pink flowers.. If you watch a few minutes you'll see her marching to the beat of her own drum on the outskirts,throwing in some classic Isaiah moves!

She also still has contacts there and is helping me. I do not believe in coincidence but in an omnipotent, omniscient God who is working all things for the good of those who love Him... I feel the mountains trembling again and I am not afraid

I have been pleasantly surprised at the support we have gotten in our decision to adopt. However I feel the need to address one thing. I've been asked why we don't just adopt an available child since there are so many in need. I really do understand that question. I imagine I'd be asking the same thing if it were someone else. But I know that we were drawn/called to Captain and Sister. They have a permanent place in our hearts. I do hope to adopt another waiting child some day but for now we are fighting for these 2. They were not domestically adopted out from under us (which we have always known was a possibility). They did not pass away. They are still there...waiting. No one is coming for them. The agency described them as "trapped". These kids, our kids need someone to fight for them and that's exactly what we plan to do. So please join us? I've said before that we are not battling against flesh. This battle will be won in the spirit and we need all of our prayer warriors fighting with us. We are so thankful for those that already are.

 "O Lord, there is none like you to help, between the mighty and the weak. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this multitude. O Lord, you are our God; let not man prevail against you." (2 Chronicles 14:11 ESV)

 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God." (Mark 10:27 ESV)

 "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you." (Joshua 3:5 ESV)

Saturday, October 6, 2012

A Bigger Vision

My passport came yesterday. I paid about $300 to have it expedited when we needed it to send our paperwork in this month. It was a little heartbreaking to open. At least it will be ready when I need it.

A few new minor developments this week but honestly nothing definite so I'm hesitant to say anything. I did finally hear back from THE guy- the one everyone says you want working your case. He told me that the orphanage would continue to appeal the court's decision but that there was nothing we could do to influence the outcome. Clearly this man has not witnessed the power of a praying Mama!

 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12 ESV)

 We are healing and feeling hopeful....even allowing ourselves to daydream again. We were joking last night about the handful Gator and Captain will be together...oh my! Can you even imagine the stunts those two will pull! I always said Melo would be my life's greatest challenge but greatest joy....then we had the Gatorbug! He is such a little ball of energy and keeps us on our toes. Captain has the same spark in his eyes. I bet they're two peas in pod.

 Please don't stop praying for things to move quickly! They need to be home with their family....and we need them too.

 I can't help but wonder if things had gone just as planned we might have missed the bigger picture. Maybe we would have been content. Maybe He wants more from us and we need this time to see that???
Every night I look through the orphan listings I see dozens of little angels that would fit so nicely in our little family. It started with Captain and Sister but my dream is so much bigger! He is birthing a vision in me for something greater, something beyond our little family and I am so excited to see how He brings it about!
 I just can't see anything the way I used to. They are constantly on my heart and mind, all of them. I don't expect our journey to be easy but the thing is, we know now. Our eyes have been opened. I'm beginning to see the world through His eyes and I can't just sit back and do nothing now.

  "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." (James 4:17 ESV)

Saturday, September 22, 2012

From 6 to 8

Time to post...only been 2 years So much has happened over the last several months and especially these last few days. There's just no quick way to sum it up so I'm gonna do my best to explain it here without writing a novel. I have not been able to talk much about this for several reasons. Originally it was because I am all too aware of the world's view and for some reason Christians' view of large families and of adoption. My primary reason now (as things have changed and I no longer care what others think or say about our choices) is that I can't get the words out. Even as I type and try to reflect on the past weeks so my heart overflows with such grief that I cannot bare it and have to stop gather myself up to continue. I guess I'll just give a basic outline/timeline to catch everyone up.

May 2012- I ran across this blog on a friend's facebook page and knew in my heart my life would never be the same. Jacob read it too and our hearts began to stir. We knew God was calling us to adopt and that He was leading us to Reece's Rainbow an amazing organization that I know is close to the Father's heart. We kept these things to ourselves because we knew how people would react. I mean we already have 4 kids, in a 3 bedroom house, and special needs? How would we pay, have enough time....what about our other kids?... the list goes on and I'd take time to defend our decision and answer every question based on God's word and the Holy Spirits leading but honestly, I'm past that. I see something so much bigger than what the rest of the world thinks about my choices now.

June and July-we spent the next couple of months making lots of little changes. We cut out every unnecessary expense and started picking up any extra work we could and found cheaper ways to do just about everything. Adoption was all I could think about and I knew it would be expensive. We gave up a lot of things but it wasn't hard at all. I knew in my heart I had a little one out there somewhere I HAD to bring them home. I longed for this child I did not know.
We also started learning as much as we could about adoption-the cost, travel, insurance...
Reeces Rainbow is an adoption ministry for children with Down Syndrome so I started learning all I could about it as well.
I searched through every child on the site over and over again. I knew I would just KNOW when I saw her/him. Nothing ever really jumped out at me but I knew what I thought God wanted- obviously a child with DS since this was RR's ministry focus and that's where He had lead us, surely a baby because that would be best and of course a girl since that's what sounded right to me...
A couple of times I found that perfect girl. She was exactly what I was looking for...but something just wasn't right. There was no urgency. She would be adorable and our hearts would go out to her because she was an orphan, but we had no intense feeling like I expected. Along the way I kept coming across another listing for a brother and sister. I loved them instantly and wept at the first glance...but they were 2 and 4 and did not have DS and they were...well, 2 of them. Not really fitting into our plan so I would keep looking.
For weeks through my search they were all I could think about. I loved them. I longed for them.

August- I showed them To Jacob. He was instantly overwhelmed with love and an urgency to get them home to us! We took a step back, removed the boundaries that WE had placed on our adoption and knew without a doubt that these were OUR babies

 Now it was real. We went from a family of 6 to a family of 8. But there was so much to do and we did not even know where to start. The cost was to be around $25-30,000 and we needed $1300 just for the deposit to commit to them. It just seemed impossible and I let fear and doubt creep in until I heard Him say as clear as ever "Speak to this mountain and it WILL Move!"  So we started speaking and praying and believing...

September-We named them and even gave them nick names. That's Captain (2 1/2) and Sister (4 1/2). Aren't they adorable!
Nothing else mattered anymore but bringing them home. We learned that sister was eligible for transfer out of the baby orphanage and into the older kids facility. I had heard too much about these places. I read this post by another RR adoptive family and knew we needed to hurry. Once our dossier was complete it would be about 6-7 months until we could FINALLY go get them. The problem was it was September and the country they are in does not except dossiers between Nov 1 and Feb 1 (I do not know the reason). So we had to move fast! I was informed that it was impossible to get everything done before November. But I know a God who heals the sick, brings the dead to life and makes something out of nothing so we were gonna make it happen! This is where the miracles started happening. 1.Someone just offered to pay our deposit. 2.The social worker familiar with our region and known for getting home studies done fast just happened to be coming to DFW and offered to do our study that week! 3.We learned that the only way to get some of the paperwork expedited was with a call from our state rep (for those who don't know, my state rep is conveniently my father). ...That's just to name a few. Everything was moving faster and smoother than possible. If anyone could pull this off in time it was gonna be us. I knew they'd be here before next summer.

I can't help but stare at their picture all the time. It's like they've always been mine. And I know this sounds crazy but every night I pull out those pictures and pray for them and sing this song
"He'll break open the skies to save those who cry out His Name. The One the winds and waves obey is strong enough to save you" and I whisper "hold on, Mommy's coming" as if they can hear me.

Monday Sept 17-this was the big day that everything would become official. We would make the first big payment. I could finally announce to my grandparents and other family what awesome changes God was making in our family. I was planning a crazy busy week preparing for our home study just 5 days away all while Jacob was out of town...
On the way to the gym early that morning as I prayed with the kids I felt the Holy Spirit say, "Spiritual attack will come. You can take it like a victim or take it like a warrior"  I immediately called Jacob and told him and honestly forgot all about it.
A few hours later came the email that turned my world upside down

"The father's rights have not been terminated -- even though it recently went to court.  The court refused to terminate his rights, so Charlotte is not available.  For the time being, we need to remove them from the website, and they can not be adopted."

My heart sunk. What did that even mean? How did she have a father but was in an orphanage? What about Captain? (they have different dads) What can we do to fix this?

The rest of the day was horrible. I can honestly say that Jacob and I grieved as if there had been a death. But then he remembered what I had called to tell him that morning. So we decided to fight. We have literally done in 4 days everything we know to do. We Have driven the poor RR staff crazy, contacted various in country facilitators and even local missionaries just trying to get someone to help us. What we learned is this- they will continue to investigate and try to get the father's rights terminated so they will be available to adopt. We cannot pursue this on our own by paying someone to find him and sign because somehow that would be considered child trafficking. If/when it does happen they will be listed for adoption in country for 14 months before they can be adopted internationally.

We have gone through every emotion this week. Currently we rotate grief, anger and numbness.
I just don't understand 
Did we hear God wrong-No. I am certain
Why would He lead us here and then let this happen?
Didn't He know how painful this would be?
Is He going to do a miracle?
Am I being punished?
I remember reading another adoptive moms post when her first adoption fell through. She heard the Lord say to her, "it was never just about ONE child" Maybe He has a greater purpose for us in orphan ministry and this was just drawing us closer to that calling...but that seems so cruel???

I am still completely lost on this and have no idea what the future holds for our children but I am beginning to see some things

1997-we're gonna backtrack a bit to my freshman year of high school. One of my teachers, Mrs.Watson, mentioned that she or someone she knew had always prayed "Make me like You, whatever the cost"
I started praying that prayer back then and continued until Isaiah was born. From the moment I saw him I just couldn't pray it again. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I made a conscious decision to stop that prayer that I had prayed almost daily for 9 years. What if the cost was my son? Could I pay that price? I couldn't. I made my children an idol. I knew it...I've known it for a long time now. I'd say with my mouth that I would do anything for Christ, but I knew in my heart that it wasn't true.
Somewhere in the last few months God began to reveal this to me and I started to pray that prayer again.
About the same time I saw this video

Somehow in the midst of all this I know that He is molding me into His image. I know that He is teaching me to trust Him. I know that He is giving me His heart for orphans. Can I just say that I HATE THIS. it is a painful process and I hate it. I'm just ready for Jesus to come back.

When I tuck the kids in at night I can’t help but wonder how sister’s chubby round cheeks would feel on my lips and how Captain would wiggle and giggle as I tuck the blankets around his tiny little body. And then I wonder if anyone tucks them in at night….I think I know the answer and it breaks my heart. He's probably getting molars and needs his mama to hold him at night....and what if sister has a nightmare and has no one to run and climb into bed with?

We are dedicating the next few weeks to fasting and praying. Please pray with us about our next steps.
My prayer is that He will guide us and make us like Him, that we will hear and obey.
And for Captain and Sister-that someone will love on them and hold them and teach them about Jesus. That they will be loved and brought into a family- preferably ours. He's still doing miracles

I don't know what our next step is but I'm listening. I'm ready, whatever the cost. And most of all I'm longing for His return.

Yesterday He led me to this passage

Revelation 21&22

 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children. But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”
One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues came and said to me, “Come, I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb.” 10 And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. 11 It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. 12 It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel. 13 There were three gates on the east, three on the north, three on the south and three on the west. 14 The wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.
15 The angel who talked with me had a measuring rod of gold to measure the city, its gates and its walls. 16 The city was laid out like a square, as long as it was wide. He measured the city with the rod and found it to be 12,000 stadia[c] in length, and as wide and high as it is long. 17 The angel measured the wall using human measurement, and it was 144 cubits[d] thick.[e] 18 The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. 19 The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, 20 the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst.[f] 21 The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.
22 I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. 23 The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. 24 The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. 25 On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there. 26 The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it. 27 Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful, but only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life.
 22 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.
The angel said to me, “These words are trustworthy and true. The Lord, the God who inspires the prophets, sent his angel to show his servants the things that must soon take place.”
“Look, I am coming soon! Blessed is the one who keeps the words of the prophecy written in this scroll.”
I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. And when I had heard and seen them, I fell down to worship at the feet of the angel who had been showing them to me. But he said to me, “Don’t do that! I am a fellow servant with you and with your fellow prophets and with all who keep the words of this scroll. Worship God!”
10 Then he told me, “Do not seal up the words of the prophecy of this scroll, because the time is near. 11 Let the one who does wrong continue to do wrong; let the vile person continue to be vile; let the one who does right continue to do right; and let the holy person continue to be holy.”
12 “Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what they have done. 13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
14 “Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. 15 Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.
16 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you[a] this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”
17 The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.
18 I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this scroll: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this scroll. 19 And if anyone takes words away from this scroll of prophecy, God will take away from that person any share in the tree of life and in the Holy City, which are described in this scroll.
20 He who testifies to these things says, Yes, I am coming soon.
Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
21 The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.

Tonight when I am in bed I will hold their picture and sing to them and pray and whisper "Don't worry. You are not forgotten"
and He will hold me and whisper "Yes, I am coming soon"