Friday, October 26, 2012

A Full Kind of Empty

Who knew a heart could feel so empty and yet so full! The Christmas presents I ordered Captain and Sister came yesterday. I knew all along they wouldn't be here by Christmas but they were already part of our family, and I knew they would at least be home by summer and it just felt...right. I made the mistake of taking Captain's out of the box. It's his. He may have never touched it but in my heart I was holding something that belonged to him. I can't imagine how silly it sounds to everyone else. Even I can't understand how I can feel so much heartache over someone I've never met. But I do.

How do you fall in love with a photo? How can one heart love so many?

I remember when Isaiah was a baby and I knew I could never love another child the way I loved him. I actually felt incredible guilt throughout my pregnancy with Melo. I just knew it was impossible to divide that love. And then I saw her. She was fat and wrinkley and red. She had black hair and eyes and looked nothing like me...but she was mine and suddenly I got it. My love was not divided. It was multiplied. With each addition to our family I have been amazed with the ability to love so much! I hear it everywhere I go. "Are those ALL yours? Bless your heart!" I feel sorry for them. They don't understand just how blessed my heart is! Each child brings the blessing of more love to give and receive!

I spend a lot of time searching the orphan listings. Deep down I hope to find Captain and Sister.  Every morning (and often during the night) I check and recheck.  Maybe it was all a bad dream? Maybe just a mistake that's been fixed?  They might be there this time....Even though I have been disappointed time and time again when they are not there I will not stop. I would rather live each day with hope, even at the risk of being let down then to live hopeless.

And I love so many more. Not the way I do Captain and Sister, but I do care deeply for so many children. He has again multiplied my love. We pray for them often and rejoice when one of them is chosen to be part of a family. Beatrice is one that I have loved for some time now. I can't tell you how it has blessed my aching heart to feel the body of Christ rising up to meet her needs. The fundraising is already coming along so well. Seeing hope brought to her situation brings both hope and healing to my heart. Thank you!

It was a hard decision to take on this project. I've been selfishly holding back our money and fundraising ideas for our adoption, but I really felt God lead us to be Christmas Warriors this year. He encouraged me to give 100% for Beatrice and trust Him to provide when it's our turn. Reluctantly I agreed and how blessed I have been already!

"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" (Acts 20:35 ESV)

"Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you." (Luke 6:38 ESV)

The "Miles for Beatrice" project is going well. I'm getting those miles in and thrilled to see so many pledging their support and even starting their own "Miles for Beatrice" projects! We still need more pledges. Please contact me by email ( or FaceBook to learn more and pledge. I am also taking orders for homemade tamales. They are $15 for a dozen and will be delivered fresh November 3. I can only offer a few dozen more before I have to stop taking orders(she can only make so many in a day) but I will do it again in a week or 2 if we have enough interest. Please email of FB me to place your order. For other ways you can help read my previous post.

One more easy thing you can do!
There is a company giving $50,000 to the charity with the most votes. It ends in just a few days but you can vote every day until then. Reece's Rainbow is in 2nd place. Please take 10 seconds to vote for RR! The money will be divided between these 10 sweet children who need homes.


Thank you all for your support. This sweet girl has no idea how many are praying for her rescue.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Take up the cause of the fatherless

Waiting, waiting, waiting...
That is literally all we can do. Everything is completely out of our hands and information is hard to come by.  I feel like I am learning to trust God more than I ever wanted to. I have no choice.
Emotionally it's still a rollercoaster. I feel pretty good most of the time, until I don't. Sunday at church I saw a girl wearing a Cookie Monster shirt just like my Captain in the only photo I have of him...just one
It hit me that that one picture is all I have. I know a lot more about Sister, but of him that's it. I don't know his birthday, how long he's been there, what he likes/dislikes....nothing
And worse than that he doesn't know me. He doesn't even know I exist. He has no idea how much he is loved, longed for, prayed for...

 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

I have finally concluded that its out of MY hands and there's nothing other than praying I can do for my kids right now, BUT there are so many others! So we have decided to participate in Reece's Rainbow's Christmas Angel Tree Warrior program. There are still many orphans in need of a Christmas Warrior if you feel led.

 "Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed.Take up the cause of the fatherless;
    plead the case of the widow." Isaiah 1:17
From November 1 to December 31 we will be raising funds and awareness for a special little girl. if you follow my FaceBook you've probably noticed that our family has loved her for a while and now we have a chance to help find her family and raise money towards her adoption.
Meet Beatrice
Imagine being in a crib all day with no one to love on and play with you
Imagine also not being able to see or smell
That is her life EVERY DAY
She desperately needs a family to love her, play with her and provide the medical care and surgeries to help her reach her full potential.
I need your help! Here is what YOU can do

2. Advocate on her behalf. Share this link. Spread the word. Help her family find her!
3.Give- there are so many ways you can do this!

I am trying a few things to raise funds and get her story out there.

1.We will be hosting a couple of poker tournaments. If that is some thing you would like to participate in please contact me by FB or email (

2. I am running Miles for Beatrice. I am asking for pledges (10, 25 or 50 cents per mile) for miles run between now and Christmas day (with a max of 150 miles). To pledge you can email me or post to this FB group where I will be updating as I log miles. Some people are pledging and running miles themselves too!

3. Hosting a 5k...maybe?
This is dependent on donations from sponsors. I need  the money to plan and hold the event first. So if you or someone you know have a business that would like to be a sponsor just email or call (817.988.3974)
It is a great chance to advertise and save a life at the same time.

4. Shop! I will be donating 100% of the profits from my Scentsy and BeachBody businesses for the rest of 2012

 5. Go on a date! I would love to have your kids come play while you go out. Call, FB or email to book a Friday or Saturday evening while there are still spaces available.

6. Pamper yourself! My sister Hannah Jones is a Mary Kay sales director and has donated 10 Miracle Skincare sets! They are $100 each and all of the money will go towards bringing sweet Baby Beatrice home! To purchase yours just email Hannah at


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

21 days

The day we received the heartbreaking news we committed 21 days to prayer and fasting. We were begging God for a miracle...for some sort of direction. You see the region our babies are in is difficult at best. We have no legal hold and no one to help us. We are flying blind and with no flying experience. So for 3 weeks I've pleaded and quite honestly we have really struggled. Adoption is such a faith walk regardless, but trying to adopt kids who are considered unavailable for adoption takes a little extra faith and a whole lot of hope.

So Monday was the 21st day and nothing had really changed and I was beginning to feel some doubts. At midnight (the very first moments of day 21) I was searching the internet...again. I have searched their names with various combinations of the city they are in, orphanage name...everything just desperately trying to find out anything about them. And though I'd tried a hundred times and found nothing, this time was different. I stumbled upon a blog of another mom who is an adoption advocate who had written a post on our Sister!!! It was an older post but it was my girl! So I immediately left a desperate comment with my contact info and went to bed praying she would help me. Of course I checked my email the second I woke and found a message with a phone number of a different mom (friend of the blogger). I called and was thrilled to find that she too had loved my Sister. They had actually tried to adopt her a year and a half ago before she was eligible (do to laws on age for international adoption) and had adopted another angel from her orphanage. They have been praying for her rescue ever since. She had more info on her than anyone I had spoken with so far and pictures and videos!!!! Can you imagine?!!!!! I have watched them a hundred times! My little girl playing and dancing. There is no doubt she's a Holt. She's got our moves. She looked like she was in the middle of a Holt family dance party. I even got some pictures of her as a toddler. I feel like I'm getting a glimpse of the years I've missed out on. It was a precious gift from a loving Father reminding me that He's got this.
My girl is the cutie on the left at the beginning in the red dress and white headscarf with pink flowers.. If you watch a few minutes you'll see her marching to the beat of her own drum on the outskirts,throwing in some classic Isaiah moves!

She also still has contacts there and is helping me. I do not believe in coincidence but in an omnipotent, omniscient God who is working all things for the good of those who love Him... I feel the mountains trembling again and I am not afraid

I have been pleasantly surprised at the support we have gotten in our decision to adopt. However I feel the need to address one thing. I've been asked why we don't just adopt an available child since there are so many in need. I really do understand that question. I imagine I'd be asking the same thing if it were someone else. But I know that we were drawn/called to Captain and Sister. They have a permanent place in our hearts. I do hope to adopt another waiting child some day but for now we are fighting for these 2. They were not domestically adopted out from under us (which we have always known was a possibility). They did not pass away. They are still there...waiting. No one is coming for them. The agency described them as "trapped". These kids, our kids need someone to fight for them and that's exactly what we plan to do. So please join us? I've said before that we are not battling against flesh. This battle will be won in the spirit and we need all of our prayer warriors fighting with us. We are so thankful for those that already are.

 "O Lord, there is none like you to help, between the mighty and the weak. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this multitude. O Lord, you are our God; let not man prevail against you." (2 Chronicles 14:11 ESV)

 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God." (Mark 10:27 ESV)

 "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you." (Joshua 3:5 ESV)

Saturday, October 6, 2012

A Bigger Vision

My passport came yesterday. I paid about $300 to have it expedited when we needed it to send our paperwork in this month. It was a little heartbreaking to open. At least it will be ready when I need it.

A few new minor developments this week but honestly nothing definite so I'm hesitant to say anything. I did finally hear back from THE guy- the one everyone says you want working your case. He told me that the orphanage would continue to appeal the court's decision but that there was nothing we could do to influence the outcome. Clearly this man has not witnessed the power of a praying Mama!

 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12 ESV)

 We are healing and feeling hopeful....even allowing ourselves to daydream again. We were joking last night about the handful Gator and Captain will be together...oh my! Can you even imagine the stunts those two will pull! I always said Melo would be my life's greatest challenge but greatest joy....then we had the Gatorbug! He is such a little ball of energy and keeps us on our toes. Captain has the same spark in his eyes. I bet they're two peas in pod.

 Please don't stop praying for things to move quickly! They need to be home with their family....and we need them too.

 I can't help but wonder if things had gone just as planned we might have missed the bigger picture. Maybe we would have been content. Maybe He wants more from us and we need this time to see that???
Every night I look through the orphan listings I see dozens of little angels that would fit so nicely in our little family. It started with Captain and Sister but my dream is so much bigger! He is birthing a vision in me for something greater, something beyond our little family and I am so excited to see how He brings it about!
 I just can't see anything the way I used to. They are constantly on my heart and mind, all of them. I don't expect our journey to be easy but the thing is, we know now. Our eyes have been opened. I'm beginning to see the world through His eyes and I can't just sit back and do nothing now.

  "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." (James 4:17 ESV)